so I stare while they all shout

[cierra]

i'm spitting out words, hoping it works

D

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O

[/font][/i]ctober 12th 2011

It turns out that I'm not liking my job as much as I thought I would. It's better than my old one, I'll give you that, but I'm tired of not having any of the mornings off. Not that I have anyone to visit, but still! I'm so different than everyone else. Everyone can't wait for the sun to go down so that they can party and hang out with friends. Me? I go to bed at like... nine. Tomorrow night will be differnt though! I'm super excited! An old classmate called me about ten minutes ago to see if I wanted to hang out with her! She had just came from my uncle and aunt's house and wanted to see if I wanted to catch up as well. I'm super stoked. It's good to see an old face. Uh, I DID have to look up her name in the yearbook, but I saw her and recongized her at once. So tomorrow I know what I'm going to expect. :) Problem with the meeting is that I have to go to the bar, but I'm sure it won't be that bad. Won't be alone! Beautiful! Even, sadly, picked out my outfit already. Should be a blast ;) Haha

Is it sad that I get kinda lonley? I think it is. Just a little bit. I really have no reason to be. Lately I thought about getting a pet, but I also think that the only pet I could possibly get is a cat or a dog. Either one of those would feel so weird. Plus, I like to change at one week at a time. Who would take care of my lovelies? If I get them, I'm going to have to spoil them as much as I possibly can! Because I spoil things I luv :) It just fits together well. But alas, I can't have animals in my apartment. Ironic, but truely sad :( Boo. Ugh, it's way past my bedtime though. All night talking on the phone! Goodness, must turn in the entry early <3

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L

[/color][/i]ove, CIERRA[/center][/color]

why can't i even figure it out?

JAX @ CAUTION 2.0

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[cierra]

D

[/color][/i]ear Diary,[/center]

O

[/font][/i]ctober 26th 2011

Oh dear, have I had a weird time for the past two weeks. I mentioned that I was going to go see Alyssa right? That turned into a total disaster. She never showed up. So I was sitting in the bar by myself with a SPRITE and as I'm about to leave, there's this warlock guy that comes and starts talking, putting his hand on my thigh and stuff. I go to leave and he grabs my wrists. Like I can’t do anything! I’m sure not changing, I’m panicking, being myself. It could have ended so badly- I’m scarred for life on the bar thing. No one was doing anything until someone comes up. Someone else said he was a hunter and this huge riot starts in the bar. I practically hide under the tables cause I have no freaking idea what to do. Then the warlock grabs me and as we’re about to leave, the hunter shoots him. Without any hesitation! Just like BAM death! Then he hurried me out, Managed to make situations better and banged my head against the dash. Left a hard gap.

Yeah I kind of ramble, but I've been holding back everything! This is the only thing I can ramble in... anyways, weirdly enough, being at Cas Cason' (the hunters. Name is Cason but I've officially gotten into the habit of calling him that) wasn't really all that bad. I mean, the night and the cleaning wound was pretty bad. But like, it got super easy to be around him super fast. Kinda both ruins and helps my sterotypes of hunters. At first-typical hunter. But after that he really cared about getting me home. Like taken care of. He even gave me his bed while he took the couch while I felt really bad about. Then didn't yell at me or anything when I cooked breakfast the next morning. If I did it within my family's home, I'd have about five different people screaming at me. Anyone not acting like my family must be somewhat good, right? That event has pretty much ruled my life right now. Just the images and wondering and just... you know, stuff. Most dramatic thing thats happened to me in a while.

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But something super exciting DID happen! Well first off, I visited Vi. She gave me a potion to clear my forehead (yay!). Then I was just randomly looking at the mansions just to get out for a walk and I bump into BRADLEY! Oh deary me, I was so excited! I thought the worst for him. I am very upset that I missed his homecoming party, but I didn't want him to feel bad so I didn't mention anything. It was kind of my fault for loosing the phone. I heard that Jolene fell. Oh dear, she's so hacking adorable <3 They are super hacking adorable. In a way, it makes me jealous, but theres no way I could even be mad at those two. I asked her to call me up sometimes and give me her number (gave her my apartment number) so that I could exchange mine and perhaps the three of us could go out. I might bring Vi just so there isn't a third wheel situation. Vi would like Jolene, I'm sure. It sounds so splended. Only thing I need a day off of work. Blach! Well until next time <3 [/justify]

L

[/color][/i]ove, CIERRA[/center][/color]

[cierra]

D

[/color][/i]ear Diary,[/center]

November 1st 2011

Just been one of those days. Everything completely just going down as the day progressed type of thing. I guess nothing horrible happened, so I shouldn't complain but, it still left me in the dumps. First off, I realized that I don't write in my diary very much because there's nothing new going on in my life. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I know that so much could be happening. There's so many people out there who are suffering hardships. It makes me feel as if I am an ungrateful person. I am grateful for the good in my lfe. Nothing is happening. It's the same routine, the same problem. I think I'm starting to settle down on that riot that happened, even after seeing it in the paper. Now it's back to the same thing. It sounds strange but I want something. Something that would brighten my day everyday. I don't know how to explain it. But days like these, it'd be nice if I had something to look forward to.

Maybe I'm just complaining a bit too much. Probably. I'm defintally putting in one of my favorite movies of all time- Tangled. It's so incredibly cute and adorable! It makes me want to squee like a little girl whenever I see the lighting lamp scene. Or at the end where he tells her she was his new dream. Oh dear, it makes me want to squirm. Seriously. Death by cuteness. Is it possible to explode from adorableness? I don't know, but it makes me in a better mood. Not to mention that Rapunzel is kinda going through somewhat the same thing I feel as if I'm going through. Although she's a lot stronger than I am. I'd never be able to go out and rebel like that, despite the lanterns. Not to mention I don't know if I have a dream or voice that she does. But you know, I'm also not locked away in a tower, so I guess I can't compare too much. Doesn't matter. I still love that movie.

So I'm going to watch this movie. Hopefully between written ramble and adorable movie equals a better night. I feel exhasted. Mentally. Still can't stop thinking about the riot, Bradley, Vi, and all the the other aspects of my life. The coffeeshop job makes a lot of chance for thinking. I think since it's the beginning of the month, I'll ask for that week off. I know my coworker won't be happy because she'll probably have to work back, but there isn't much I can do about it. She's rather snappy lately. I wonder what's been getting her. [/justify]

L

[/color][/i]ove, CIERRA[/center][/font]

[cierra]

D

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November 8^th 2011

I saw him. Yesterday. Right as I was about to leave work, I was told to go deliver the coffee, so I did thinking nothing of it because why it would it be out of the blue like that, and there he was ordering coffeee and watching me almost spill the entire cup everywhere! I didn't know that Cas went to coffeeshops like that. I had never seen him before and then he appears suddenly like that. Just when I was starting to move on past it a little bit, he comes. I figured that he would have forgotten about me, but he actually even remembered my name! The weird thing is, I have no idea why I was so excited about that. I didn't know the reason why most of the things happening were happening until I came home to think about it! Gah, I feel so confused and conflicted. I mean, we actually went out and had a great time. You know, past the uh- incident where he accidently hit a guy in the head with a golf ball (it was an honest mistake Aw, Cas..) And then we ran out of there. Then we actually went to my place. More embarassingly- he sorta thought by pictures that Bradley was my boyfriend. And I actually asked him if HE had one?! What's wrong with me?! I swear, I'm so dumb sometimes!

After he left, things just got stranger over time. Cause the whole day, I was feeling all giddy and happy and stuff, right? Which is weird since I barely know Cas. Even though it feels better every time. When he left, so did all my giddyness and wanting to smile all the time. Yes, my cheeks hurt after that, but beyond the point. Like when Vi leaves and stuff to go home, I'm sad but when CAS left, it was so different. It kinda concerns me a lot. All I can think of is what Vi said to me and I thought she was just being silly and worried but now that it's kinda venturing to that, it worries me. I'm just hoping it's just me feeling the new adrielane of a new friend. I can't remember the last time since I've made a close friend this quickly, so I'm thinking that could be it too. I can't help myself. Cas is a really awesome guy to be with. I swear, all day I was giggling horribly.

However, I won't be doing anythign about it now. I want to let time kinda put it away. It's only been day two. My days off begin in about two weeks so that'll be the perfect time to just roam without worry. I've felt like I haven't been in my form in so many months now. I miss it. Sometimes I wonder if I can just do it permanatly. People seem to like me more as a dog. Yet, I don't think I could deal with how some people treat animals. Hard to make a difference when I'm in shapeshifting form the entire time. Plus, I'd miss the few things in my life too much. I feel like sometimes it looks like I forget them, but I promsie I shall never forget. For now, I must be off. I have early shift tomorrow morning and I'm sure my coworker won't be happy with me since I kinda left with the guy she was looking at. Oops. [/justify]

L

[/color][/i]ove, CIERRA[/center][/font]

[cierra]

D

[/color][/i]ear Diary,[/center]

Feburary 10^th 2012

Boy have I been putting this away? I suppose I just haven't been in a writing mood lately. I just figured I'd write tonight because... well, big surprise- it's my birthday. Not too many know just cause I don't really tell people. It's never brought up and I don't want anyone feeling bad when I just go 'oh hey, by the way, I'm 26 today'. Can you believe that? 26! I feel so old compared to the people I'm with, my goodness. My sister sent me a giant husky stuffed animal with really big blue eyes. Bigbig eyes. Like takes up half of his face. He's way too adorable! Named him Ice and he went right next to my penguin next to it c: oh jeez I'm still much a kid. Who else gets stuffed animals for their 26th birthday? Though it DID come with some nail polish and soap beads. I'm just glad Tiara's still talking to me honestly. It seems that more has been happening this past two months than it has in quite forever, honestly :(

So I kind of thought that the thing with Cas would be like before. Won't see him for a couple of weeks, do something, couple of weeks later, but no. He popped into my place a couple of times, the coffeeshop a couple of times (not in good terms with my co-worker right now) and I'm really starting to like him! I thought that the weeks off as a husky would help, but it just made it worst cause I saw him in the woods! He was so sweet and adorable and just all around made my stupid little tail wag a million miles an hour. He called me sweetheart! Even though it was the dog, it was still looking at me! That just... kind of wish he wasn't as amazing as he seems to be. It'd be a lot easier. He's a really great friend... I can't seem to help for falling for the one guy nice to me, right? I keep remembering what Vi told me and I even visited her about it :c

Oh, and Vi is pregnant. I didn't believe it. So many feelings wealmed up inside of me. My girl isn't even dating and said it was a guy at a bar? But I can't say much because she was talking about how it suddenly went crazy... I don't want to assume the worst but I'm afraid she might have gotten something that night from that guy, probably. Kellin. I can't imagine how hard it must be to raise a child on her own, but I'm not allowing Kellin to be this father unless he's fully committed and proves it. Vi needs a daddy figure for her baby, but that daddy figure is not the man who took advantage of Vi. I'm not going to be a very happy girl if I find Kellin. I guess there isn't much I can do to him, but I just have to make sure to make it clear. I mean, I'm not good at sticking up for myself much but I might get something when fending for others. Apperantly, I've found this voice in me that I wasn't aware of. So with a random vampire who literally kinda tossed me around (gabe, I think) I sit there (really what can I do?) but I picked a fight with an immortal! I don't know what happened to me, but wow, did I snap! I didn't mean to. I felt so embarassed for getting that angry... too much. I feel too stressed. I'm trying to relax and hang out by myself tonight. Just relax. It's my birthday right? [/justify]

L

[/color][/i]ove, CIERRA[/center][/font]

[cierra]

D

[/color][/i]ear Diary,[/center]

Feburary 27^th 2012

My life is so unreal right now! So I can't say that I've been myself lately. I'm still happy and I try to be myself, but it was kind of hard with everything that was happening. Most of the time, people like to leave me alone, but lately, I've been getting a lot of unwanted attention. What do I do? I stand there and scream 'MOVE MOVE' in my head, but it never works. I still stand there blinking and acting like I had never breathed before. I make such a perfect victum and I can't do anything about it. It's like I'm trying to go through my strong phase all over again. It hasn't been this bad before. I don't like to bother anyone either, and I'm always the one that has to be saved. I don't mind being saved. Weirdly, it makes me feel... I don't know- important. But one of these days, no one is going to be there, you know? And then I keep bothering people with it. It can't be easy dealing with me after something like that. It happens way too often. I'm just running around not knowing what to do. Why can't I be stronger? What happened to that family gene that is carved into every other LaBeau?

Thats kind of what was on my mind. But you'll never guess. Okay- so I just got done watching a movie when I get a knock on my door. It's Cas and the poor thing is so broken and bruised everywhere! So what do I do? I freak out, trying to regain myself and knocking everything over trying to fix him up and stuff. I can't even describe what he looked. You could barely tell it was Cas because his face was so swollen, but his eyes gave him away the most. Well... I'm still unsure how this happened. I keep repeating it in my head like I'm going to forget. He told me he loved me. HE LOVES ME! Cason the hunter loves someone like me! I always thought he needed someone strong and independent but no, he likes me. I'm so excited and happy. I told him I loved him too and we're together now. How did this happen? It's so perfect. I couldn't even begin to say what I feel. I'm done. So done.

But now that all of it has settled, I do have to think about this for a couple of minutes. I have not a clue on how to be proper in a relationship. Especially one with a hunter who has a repuation for... not being very nice. I know his rep. No one sees the Cason I see though. Vi is on my side on this and is telling me to relax and that anyone would love to be with me, but that doesn't lessen my worry. I'd rather just have advice. How often do I call? Do I see him? He's got to be busy and have a lot of other hunter friends I probably shouldn't be seeing. So where does the line cross? Not to mention I have no physical experience. That sounds weird, but I've heard it's important, you know? People say they want to be with someone that has had similar experience. Um, not a question I want to ask. Not a question I want to be asked. So this makes me really nervous. It probably should be the last thing I should be worrying about it, but it's in my head, so I can't get it out, you know? Shoot. Vi says I worry too much. I know I do. But he has to be the best thing that's happened to me. I don't want to lose him now that I have him. He seems very content and patient, so I try not to reassure him so much. Still, all of this is worth it. Would would have thought he loved me back? <3 [/justify]

L

[/color][/i]ove, CIERRA[/center][/font]